Monday, 30 August 2010

Life - and when should it end?!

Bonjour mon petit pois!!! Ca va?  It's good to be back on the planet of Thanet when its sunny - bit windy but at least the sun is shining :)
Today's walk on the wild side of my cranium is to discuss the subject that everybody should have an interest in - LIFE!  Why? I hear you scream at the monitors across the globe - that's right, I have a following of only three but they span the globe - USA, Doha and Thanet!!  Greetings one and all!  However, there are a sum of readers who decide not to follow - I was saying to Ollie earlier, I am a natural born leader, I just misplaced my flock, anyway, I digress.

Today's lesson is LIFE and when should it end?!  A contentious issue I know and I am not saying my view is right, but bear with me long enough to reach the end and I guarantee that you will see where I am coming from!  Euthanasia.  A tool that helps assist those that are suffering to chose when to go.  Now, what if the choice was already made?  In my world, the one where I am the ruler of all things (long live denim, not so keen on shoulder pads) the date would be set for EVERYONE.  Let it not be said that my world is not fair.  Euthanasia would be set at the ripe age of 65 - that's the age I have plumped for as it is old enough for you to do everything you want to but also gets you just before true health problems set in.  Please continue to read - think it through, why is there a lot of debt in this country, apart from the banks being unscrupulous with their lending habits?  There is a drain on the NHS due to old people - dentists, dentures, hip replacement clinics, Nursing Homes etc - the list goes on and on.  There is also a pension crisis as people are living longer - what if we could change all that?!  I'm not saying this because I dislike old people (ok, maybe a little but - seriously if they have no money to pay their heating bills, why oh why do they insist on shopping at Marks and Spencer(other food retailers are available although try to avoid the people where 'Very Little Help') and buying new cars which they use once a week to get to the end of their drives so they can put the rubbish in the bin?)  I mean, I know that I would love to know when my time was coming to an end.  Think of all the things you put off today because you can't be bothered or will do another time.  Does that time ever really come or do you sit there now, thinking I wish I had gone to that rave when I was 18 or I wish I had done a bungee jump but I'm too old now.  The excuses would dry up, because you know that the day before your 65th birthday is the deadline - on your 65th, you get a slap up breakfast and away you go to the great big Cruise Line in the sky.  Would you not appreciate everything all the more if you knew you only had 65 years to enjoy it?  At the moment, too many people think I'm going to live forever, that's not going to happen and we should wake up and smell the coffee beans!!  Life is not infinite - live it while you can.  So anyway, if any politicians read this, remember I said it first!! :)

Journey again soon if we are all spared and none of you are nearing your 65th :) x 

Sunday, 29 August 2010

Very Little Help

Hello my companions! How are we all today?  Well I am disgruntled in a VERY big way...thanks to the Supermarket which likes to boast that 'Every Little Helps'....yeah, right!!  Everything apart from your staff that is!  And relax!

Today, for a treat (well it was supposed to be anyway!) Ollietook me out for breakast, I was not having a happy day and this was to cheer me up.  Anyway, we trundle to Sainsburys and there were no staff to serve so we decide to pop over to Tesco to get some grub, the breakfasts are normally ok so thought nothing of it.  We get to the canteen - I am calling it a canteen as restaurant really doesn't stand up to any scrutiny - its barely a canteen really.  So we queue in time honoured Brit fashion and peruse the menu....8 items for £4 but you get a free bottle of Tropicana Orange Juice (other varieties are available) so we plump for that - a dirty huge fried brekkie but at least I get 2 of my 5 a day (one in the OJ and one in the mushrooms, possibly 3 if you count the beans but I'm not sure if they are acceptable in the 5 a day scheme, anyway I digress) So we decide that this is the option of choice and then we wait, they have run out of Hash Browns.  Now, I'm sorry, but for a fried brekkie, there are normally 3 things that are popular - especially if you are not the one cooking it!  Eggs, Bacon and Hash Browns.  I'm not sure if this only happens because the staff are getting paid minimum wage or whether its because the scramble egg has more common sense than the server, but they always wait until there is one Hash Brown, Egg or piece of Bacon is left until they decide to tell the Chef(?!) to cook some more.  And then the queue gets longer because, guess what?  Everybody wants the item thats run out!  Twice I have eaten at Tesco and twice, this has occurred - its not quantum mechanics really is it, as soon as you have half left, get them to cook more!  Anyway, so we wait.  This time though, they had bread for toast.  The first time, the bread had run out.  Again not meaning to be pedantic, but isn't Tesco one of the biggest Supermarket chains in th UK?  I have never seen Tesco run out of bread.  Could staff member have run to the shelf to pluck one or maybe even two loaves off to make a slice of toast or two for the paying customers.....fat chance, there's more likelyhood that I'll have a Christmas number one!  At least there was toast today, however there was no OJ as advertised, Ollie says to staff member 'Can I have the orange juice with the breakfast?'  Staff says 'Its in the fridge isn't it?'  Well bugger me, I didn't think of looking there, I only checked the hot plate - seriously, where else would you keep orange juice?  So we explain there is none there, can he go and get some?  Huff and Puff and Tesco falls down - if looks could kill?!  He trudges off and returns with 2 bottles of OJ and hands them over.  That's right, common sense died last night!  I would have thought, had I been paid peanuts to work behind the counter, that if there was none left on display and we were advertising it with the 8 item breakfast that everybody is buying that maybe 2 bottles may not have been enough.  Again - its not higher maths!  We leave it at that, we are ok, pull the ladder up - he will learn in time after the 50th trip to get OJ!  So we pay and walk over to the cutlery container.  It wasn't really that busy but they must have had a rush earlier because there was one fork left - Ollie and I were about to battle over it but I decided that maybe I should ask another member of staff for assistance, after all she was getting paid 2 bags of 'dry roasted' to serve the public.  If looks could mame, I would have a screwdriver (no forks were available at the time) sticking out of my temple!  She then trudged off and guess what, thats right, came back with 5 forks.  I looked at the queue after taking my weapon of choice and I could see 6 people alone in the queue let alone the other 7 who had just walked in - hmm, I know I only got a B at GCSE maths but even I could tell that 13 into 3 (I took 2 forks when she brought them out, they looked freshly washed or licked!) was not going to go.  After all this, the brekkie was luke warm and really not that great.  I have therefore decided to change the Supermarket slogan of 'Every Little Helps' to 'Very Little Help' - do you think its a selling point?  I may have to copyright it before they find out.

See you for a trundle soon x

Thursday, 26 August 2010

The Garlic Dinner

There are times in life when people come up with little nuggets of pure unadulterated humour and you just have to laugh - my week has been full of them!  Unfortunately, you really do have to be there for some!

Last night I made Cannelloni for dinner - I don't cook, well actually saying that I do cook.  I cook well.  I just hate it, I would rather stick pins in my eyes and sing the Birdie Song backwards whilst gargling with Caustic Soda (children - do not try this at home - cooking is much safer!)  Anyway, I digress.  I made Cannelloni and it tasted good.  I served it with Spinach and Garlic Ciabatta, lovely.  Cooking does not get tougher than this.  Anyway, I made Cannelloni and I served a plate for me and a plate for Ollie.  He ate all of his and the plate was clean - the sign of a successful meal.  One tme I served Mango Chicken and Lemon Cous Cous, what possessed me I don't know, it was rank and tasted like Lemsip with Marmalade Chicken, not my greatest but that is the gauge I have for my ffod.  It either gets eaten or left on the plate and even the flies won't eat it!  So the meal was a success.  Two hours later, lying on the sofa contented, Ollie turns to me: Did you put garlic in the Cannelloni?  I look puzzled and say: No, Why?  Confused look from Ollie:  Its just that I can taste garlic really badly  I chuckle to myself:  Could have been in the Garlic bread you ate?!  Ollie looks mortified:  I forgot about that!
It was funnier at the time! and then there was the one at wok when a chap came in and said he saw a nice red boat in Ramsgate with lots of chrome and a colleague asked if it was the life boat?  No, he said, it was red and had lots of chrome - it was in the harbour.  I turn round and say off the cuff - You sure it wasn't the Sally Ferry - he was not impressed but everyone else thought it was funny - you really had to be there :)

Thursday, 19 August 2010

Man(fa) Flu

Here we are again, thanks for stopping by!  I have cold feet, not because I am supposed to be doing something, its just that I still haven't found the 'other' sock - see last blog!  Sitting here bare footed and its a bit nippy on the old pinkies!

As you can tell from the title - I have Man(fa) Flu.  Its the next strain up from the deadly virus that is Man Flu, its only contracted by Manfa's so you should be safe - for now at least!  I am in the process of writing an article for The Lancet about it.  At the moment, its manifesting itself in the form of a deadly sore throat in the mornings and evenings, sniffles throughout the day, the occasional sneeze - I do so love sneezing, really clears the passageways! and constant yawning.  It just drains you, I was struggling to do the ironing earlier so I have left it for now - that's a good excuse for the future. 

The article I am writing for The Lancet is going slowly, you may have heard of The Lancet - a leading medical journal, they wanted my views on Man(fa) Flu as it is so rare - did I mention only Manfa's can contract it?  You should be safe!  Mind you, they said we would all be safe with the fashions in the 80s and look what happened - all denim (long live denim) and shoulder pads!  The world was taken over so perhaps the same will happen with Man(fa) Flu.    Anyway, its only a short journey today, I'm far too tired to type anymore and need to wallow in self pity - I wonder if anyone wants to pick up my medication, a Boost and a cheap trashy magazine.  Anything to make me feel better!  I'm still at work though - what a trooper!

I will walk with you on a journey soon, if I am spared! x

Saturday, 14 August 2010

Fairies - they ARE real, I have proof!

Being a female, there are certain tasks that one has to do - washing up, apparently ladies have smaller feet so we can stand closer to the sink, cleaning the bathroom - ok, there's not a physical reason that we have to do that but most men just don't want to, that's what I have found in my experience anyway!  And then there is the washing - of clothes I mean.  The endless task of sorting into colours, putting clothes in machine, adding powder and conditioner otherwise they come out dirty and solid as a rock, turning on to the correct programme and then waiting to spin after wash is finished, remove items into a basket, load next lot, repeat cycle and in the meantime hang out the wet stuff to dry.  Repeat ad infinitum.  It's the task that never ends.  As soon as you finish, more appears.  Anyway, where does the proof that Fairies exist come into this?  I hear you screaming at the screen?  Well, here it comes.....when I take clothes off and put into the basket for washing, two socks come off.  I sort into colours and yes, I have confirmed as I like to check these things, two socks go into the machine, the cycle runs and .... low and behold, one comes out of the machine!  There is a washing machine Fairy.  I haven't actually seen this creature and I presume it (not sure whether male, female or homogenous yet) is very tiny, there are only very small holes in the machine to escape, I make sure the door is always securely fastened when not in use as household accidents account for the majority of A  and E admissions in this day and age, I digress, I apologise.  So anyway, this creature has a strange fascination with socks, very bizarre really, I mean what does it do with them - it must have hundreds by now based on the credit card bills I have for replacing all my missing socks.  They go in machine and never come out.  Don't fear, I have tried removing the filter in the machine, 1) in order to track down said creature and dispose of in a way as humane as possible, I'm sorry but the bills for new socks are getting out of hand and 2)In order to check that there isn't a more plausible reason for the 'Mystery of the missing socks' such as the filter is sucking them out of the actual drum.  And the Fairy does not just limit itself to a life of seclusion in the washing machine, it also appears to like vacations to the Fridge, where any goodies which have been stored for later appreciation, such as bars of chocolate or yummy cakes, will also go missing without a trace.  Poof, gone.  Its very concerning.  I am hoping that the Fairy is nice and not cannibalistic, I have read in some texts not to trust these strange creatures as they can turn on you without warning and am glad that I haven't encountered said creature face to face.  I am concerned when I do the washing that one day, I will find the creature red handed, pilfering one of my socks or goodies from the fridge - what will I do?  unfortunately, the creature doesn't appear to have changed its taste in fashion (long live denim, not so keen on shoulder pads), socks, or should I say sock appears to be the thing to have.  Where do they take them to, would I find a land furnished with sock settees, sock carpets and little sock cars?  Does the creature eat them, if so, why the occassional binge in my fridge - its all very concerning.
So until the time I actually catch the creature, I may have to walk round bare foot and with cold feet unless I find a new way to furnish its footy fetish

Anyway, I shall walk with you on another journey soon, bare footed in future  x

Friday, 13 August 2010

Regression to funnier times....

Early morning, can't sleep....must blog!

Morning readership of two now!  I am hoping you are enjoying your brief vacation to the 'mind of the manf'a' - much can happen, little rarely does.  Today, I regress into the darker void of the jellital mind mass andlook back on funnier times that made me chuckle, Bible class!

I am not one for Religion - strike me down, I am going to hell (although if there is no good side then is there truely a bad side?)  But never one to appear unbalanced, I always give things a go - you know me, fair to the end.  Best to get all possible answers and then make an informed decision.  So todays nugget is about the time I got banned from bible class!  Yes, you read it right - the Church banned me from going again.  Most people are barred from pubs and clubs, I am barred from a Church - for asking a question!  It went something like this......(imagine radio 2 Steve Wright music here, you know, the Romeo and Juliet one!)
At the age of 12, Sam starts Grammar School and her best friend Chris is there too, they've been friends for years and years although religion wise they were light years apart.  Chris was a devoted Church attender, every Sunday she would be at the front of the queue, Sam on the other hand was queueing in the Co-op, damn I loved that Hypermarket, much better than the Tesco Extra, but now I am getting off subject.  Anyway, continue with the light background music...At each meal, Chris would offer thanks and say Grace before tucking in, I admit sneaking food in once all eyes were closed - I was hungry! and anyway, if all Christians (other religious denominations are available) eat at 12 pm and 6pm then there would be a lot of Grace's being said, surely thats too many to listen too, another question - wouldn't you get bored of hearing the same thing everyday at the same time?  Now times that figure by the amount of Grace saying Christians, and then factor in slight time delays and time zones and you get a headache!  So anyway, I duly sat there and was mainly quiet, said Amen in the right place and then had to try and disguise the fact that during the time Grace was being said and everyone was praying, that half of my lunch had miraculously dissapeared - I say Hallelujiah! Praise the Lord - he must have been hungry and chose to share with me!! So anyway, at school, the Gideons come in - a friendly bunch of people, easy to talk to - look normal but they have free books so I go running up to the front and get one - its a Bible.  I'm impressed - nobody has ever given me a Bible before and after looking in Waterstones (other book retailers are available) they are actually quite expensive to buy if you get a large one and I figured that the small ones must be quite expensive too because they have miniaturised it and still got the same amount of pages, so that must have cost a lot making the paper so thin, that's what I figured anyway.  So I take the book gratefully and handily enough, it fits into my blazer ocket so I carry it around for a week or two reading pages when I have the time, to see what happens.  To be fair, its a bit slow going and I'm not sure if the main characters are really that believable - the plot is slow and nothing exciting really ever happens, I become glad that I never put it in my Christmas or Birthday list, I would have felt short changed by it.  So anyway I think that I have read enough and have a list of burning questions about the text and talk to Chris about it, who is ecstatic that I have 'found religion' and would I 'like to go to Church with me on Sunday?'  I think about it, the Co-op will be there forever (how wrong I was!) and I was sure it wouldn't hurt - there was a Bible class for the youngsters after the main servcie and a Priest would be there to help 'guide you through the text'.  So I say OK.  And Sunday comes, I wear nice clothes as I am sure the Priest must know the Pope and he will talk to him after regarding this young girl who asked so many questions about the free book she was given, I was sure he would be impressed!  So we start at the beginning - Genesis.  That's good, I started there too, at least we both agree on how to best read a book.  Anyway, I love Dinosaurs and they weren't mentioned so I am confused.  In the service prior to Bible class, the Priest was talking of truth and how never to deceive people, that is wrong and leads you to the Devil.  I ask the questtion then about the Bible, is it the truth?  Oh yes I am told, the Bible tells it like it really is.  But I heard a rumour that the first gospel was written about 50 years (its that number again - refer to earlier blog on Stupidity) after the events described, thats a long time - a lot can change, including fashion (longlive denim, not so keen on shoulder pads) and if asked to recount something that happened 50 years ago, would you really remember all the details or do you embellish it? I mean I can't remember all the conversations we had on that day and that was only about 18 years ago so 50 years on I think you may struggle.  I digress further, he says that that is possible but that the stories all happened and they were recorded after being passed down through the generations - anyone played Chinese Whispers, I'll leave that point there for now, ponder on that over a cuppa tea!  So we go back to Genesis after establishing the Bible is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  So where are the dinosaurs, the animals are there one day and then a day later humans are there - no dinosaurs and science can prove they were here - we have their bones and can carbon date them. Well the dates are wrong, but the Turin Shroud dates are correct?  Is that the image of Christ?  Well thats not for us to debate in Bible class, not relevant.  But I think it is relevant, you can't say one is right and one is wrong - same test, different object but one's not a religious artifact.  Next question please.  Ok, so the Bible is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? We have already established that - Ok, so the earth was made in 7 days, but dinosaurs were here millions of years before humans, so does that mean that the calendar we follow is wrong?  I get blank looks - well, we follow a calendar of 7 days in a week, set by the Gregorians (I'm sure it was them, feel free to correct if wrong) as it fitted in with the religious beliefs at the time, religion works to 7 days in a week, must be true, its in the Bible which is the truth, the while truth and nothing but the truth.  Ok I think I am with you so far, he says looking fraught, where are we going with this?  Well I say, in that case, does that mean its really gonna be Sunday for a long time?  Puzzled looks.  So I try to explain, God created Man on the 6th day correct?  Yes.  And then he has a day of rest and they go off into the Garden of Creation and do whatever with the apples.  Yes.  So, if we look at the time lapse between each event, world being created, sun being created, animals being created, humans being created etc, which the Bible says is in days, then a day is actually a lot longer than 24 hours and more like hundreds of thousands, if not millions of years, in which case we will still be in Sunday for another couple of hundred thousand years.  No, you are wrong the day system is fine.  But that means my cats should have been created yesterday but I have had them for years.  Confused I am!  Well its not a literal day that is spoken about in the bible.  Ok, but you said the bibe was the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth but now I am taking it too literally and its not an actual day - which is it then - have you been lying to me? In which case why should I believe you now.  Priest goes funny colour, class finishes and I am led out of Church, nobody really very chatty and I'm not invited back.  Hmmm!

So there you have my thoughts on religion from my regression, it makes me chuckle. 
Come on another journey soon x

Stupidity - is it real or made up by a clever 'stupid' person?

Oh God, this is addictive!

Not content to leave my readership of one to ponder on the 'dead bird in flight' question, here is another to think through - Stupidity, does it really exist?  Of course, you shout at the screen saying it does, I however am not so sure.

Example number one, a 50 year old, yes, you read that correct, 50 years old, that's 5 decades of life - 5 long decades where much has happened, clothes have changed, I think for the better (long live denim,not so keen on shoulder pads) currency in the UK has changed, inflation has gone up and up, and very rarely down, we have joined the EU, in spirit if not yet fully in body.  Anyway, I digress to other blogs - my apologies! Anyhow, back to the 50 year old in question.  After the many years of living, breathing and belching, comes up with this little golden nugget that makes me chuckle.  What are Zebra crossings supposed to do?  My answer was, to enable Zebra's to cross the road safely, after all, coming from Africa  where there are not many roads, this can be a treacherous business.  I have seen many a flat Zebra in Thanet because of the danger posed of them not having a working understanding of the Highway Code.  Obviously, they can't walk into Smiths (other book retailers are available) and ask for a copy of the Highway Code in extra large bold print with pages thick enough to be turned by hoof.  I get a blank look - sarcasm is obviously not the way ahead in this situation, I try a different tact - the truth.  'They are there to help stupid people cross the road safely' I say,  'Oh, ok, but you just stopped when you got to the line and they crossed, why did they do that?' a puzzled look,  I answer 'Because cars are supposed to stop so the stupid people can cross over and once safely on the other side, the cars can then move on.'  Silence.  I look across to the passenger seat and the 50 year old is sitting looking embarrased.  'Why do you ask?' I say, trying to be non judgemental.  'Well, I always thought that you had to wait for the cars to go past and just stand there on the pavement until the road is clear, sometimes it can take a very long time for all the cars to go past, that's why I don't go to Tescos cos there are always cars - they often get annoyed with me standing there so I walk the long way round to the store'  I just stare ahead in dumbfounded silence - surely nobody is that stupid?  I mean, how can you survive for 50 years and not be able to cross the road properly?  and it calls into question a wide variety of things that the average person takes to be normal everyday things that then become 'dangerous'?  Take for example bleach, sharp knives and breathing, I mean what happens if a stupid person forgets to breath - do they have to think about breathing all the time just to stay alive, and then you factor in blinking and swallowing to name a few basic natural functions and you are heading for trouble!  I am seriously thinking that 'stupid' people put it on for entertainment purposes, I have however found them out :)

Join me for another journey soon x

In the beginnig...

Well, this is new and exciting!

I am creating a blog after a good friend created one, I thought - Wow, that looks good, I want one....and here we are!!

So, in the tradition of all good books....In the beginning, there was me and a computer and my thoughts.  Not a lot to go on but a lot can happen in the mind, especially if the person in charge of said mind is me!  The aim of my blog is not to be educational, humourous or a motto to live your life by...its my journey in words through the labryinth of my mind, and like the Twilight Zone, anthing could happen in the next half hour (or 5 seconds) depending on whether I've bored you yet - I do hope not, I would so like you to stay!

So the first topic to be discussed is - what happens if birds die in mid flight?!  Not a cheery subject but one that I was pondering on my way home whilst driving down a very fast road.  There was a poor pigeon who obviously had a meeting with his maker (oh, that's a subject for another day, I look forward to that one) lying in the middle of said fast road in a cloud of feathers.  I don't know how he got there, walking really is not an option - too many fast cars, so the only way possible was vertically down - I'm thinking heart attack or something, poor thing, but then I thought I have never seen a bird die in flight - does it happen? I suppose it must, I mean everyone has to go at some point - you get to know that about me, not one to shy away from talking about taboo subjects, life really is far too short and some hold large sarcastic and comedic value.  So anyway, back to topic, if a bird does die in flight, what happens?  obviously there would be some symptoms that are incompatible with life, hence it dies, but does it plummet straight to the ground or is there some kind of gliding that occurs? Planes don't fall straight down if their engines cut out, so what about birds - really they are just biological planes - interesting question, see?

Anyway, I'll leave that with you for now, ponder on it over a cup of tea and then come back another day for a little more blog, subjects to come are Euthanasia, Common Sense (or lack of it) and general chit chat about nothing in particular.  As a footnote, no offence is meant from any blogging and my therapist did advise it may be good to start one so I can getthings off my chest, a year on I took the advice - and its free!!

I hope you come for a wander into the mind soon x