Hello travelling chums,
Tonight I have been reminiscing about when I was a Special (or Speckle to those who know me better!) I have spent most of the evening thinking and digressing about the many hours of duty time that I did, the long days, the longer nights and the life experience that I gained and which I think has helped me to appreciate the good and bad bits of life - at 29 I can say hand on heart that I have lived and I have made a difference to somebody's life.
So I thought it would be nice to share some of those experiences - both good and bad with you, some of you will know where I am coming from as you will have experienced the same or similar scenarios, and some of you will never experience anything close. It won't make you less of a person and it doesn't make me better than you - it just helps to get into my head for 5 mins, perhaps even 10!
So at the age of 22 I decide I want to live life and experience it to the full but I have a job at the police station which I love and a lot of spare time on my hands. I come up with the hair brained idea of becoming a Speckle!! So one day I call for an application pack and I apply- I don't discuss it with anybody as the conversations from family and boyfriend all revolve around the 'danger' issue and I impulsively strike while the iron was hot - that is me, little Miss Impulsive! So I join and I manage to scrounge a lift to Maidstone every weekend for about 8 weeks to do the training - being little Miss Competitive too I have to be top of the class and teacher's pet (always have been, always will be!) so I study hard and I pass the tests with 100%. I have made it, I am now a Speckle. I am a crime fighter, a hobby bobby, call me what you will but do NOT call me a Plastic Policeman, they are PCSOs - always have been, always will be. As I fondly state to anyone who wants to ask, I have the same training as a Regular, I have the same kit and I do the same jobs but I don't get paid, I do it for love - love of the job and the adrenaline rush when a call comes in and you have no idea what you will get to when you reach the other end, and most of all, love of the feeling that I am actually doing something that will help somebody else, somebody who needs you and relies on you to do a good job and help them - there is no greater reward than that - helping somebody in need because you can.
So I start doing fetes and carnivals, they are bread and butter basics for Speckles - or used to be anyway but there is always something happening. And then there are the shifts when you are with other Speckles and then there are shifts when you go out with the Regulars - here are a selection of my favourite memories.
I went out one day shift with a Regular officer - it was a Sunday and it was very Q - you never say the full Q word as I found out as it is a jinx! If you don't know what it is - 5 letters and means the opposite of loud! So it was Q. We washed the car and we went for breakfast at the Beano cafe in Westgate, you never know when you will get refs soo you take the opportunity when you can. We then leave and a call comes in - DV. Domestic Violence. I hate those calls like no other, sudden death anyday over a DV. We take the call and we head to Margate. We enter a flat - myslef and my male colleague. The sight we are met with is horrific. Drugs paraphenalia EVERYWHERE. Children walking around half clothed and crying, trying to avoid stepping on used needles. The information we are given is that after a heated arguement, the male had left the property and run off after assaulting his partner. He needs to be found as he was potentially armed with a weapon so my male colleague gives chase through the exit that the male went. I was alone in the property with the victim, her children, her friend and her friend's children. I start taking details instinctively, descriptions, what happened and why, I update the details over the radio and listen to the commentary of the chase in progress. About 10 minutes after a Dog Section Officer arrives, he had been called as my male colleague was concerned that I was at the property on my own, there was intelligence that the occupants were potentially violent. He comes in and looks at me - asks if I am ok and I say yes, I give a run down of the details and it is at this point that I actually take stock of my surroundings, not only are there knives on nearly every surface but there is a claw hammer wedged in the kitchen door where she had tried to hide from her partner and he was so determined to get to her that he treid to smash the kitchen door in. Shock is not a word that I link to that day - when I left the property and got back into the patrol car after the suspect had been apprehended I was shaking so much that I couldn't use my swipe card to get back into the station. The thing that annoyed me most was the victim who left the property to stay with friends, was advised not to go back and to let things calm down - she didn't. The next day she was in a coma as the hammer lodged in the door became lodged in her head - they never take the advice.
From a bad shift to a funny one! I went out on duty with a fellow Speckle and we were just going around the Thanet area picking up any calls that came in which the Regulars weren't too interested in taking. I requested that we take a call for anti social behaviour on the St Peters estate as I had been to the address the previous week for a similar matter and I thought it would re-assure the lady if she saw a familiar face. So we request the call to the surprise of the resourcer. We attend and sort the matter and the lady was really happy that I remembered her and came back to help her, words of advice given, youngsters suitably admonished and we were away. We head back to the station as there was a request for a female officer to conduct a personal search in custody and my colleague says that he will deal with a call for more anti social behaviour - this time in the form of a noise complaint from an old people's home in Birchington, an easy call to deal with on his own. So I am dropped at Margate and conduct the search - hmm, a systematic procedure to locate voids, I remember that definition well and there are some things you don't want to remember. Especially when Vicky Pollard is asking if you enjoy touching her up - yes love, I can think of nothing better to do with my time than fondle your boobs! I then hear on the radio an update to the call that my collegue had attended, he is requesting a talkthough with me and requests my assistance with the call. He motors back to Margate and I am collected and we travel back to Birchington. He is unusually quiet in the car and I am concerned but he doesn't say much. We attend the address and there is an almighty racket, TV and Radio up to full volume. We bang on the door, I say We - it is the Royal We - I bang on the door and my collegaue hides around the corner, the old man comes to the door and tells us in no uncertain terms to Fuck Off. Lovely. I bang on the door again and call to the gentleman who states he can't hear me and will phone the Police if I don't go away - 'I am the Police' I state, oh why didn't you say?! Well actually I did! He wants to see my warrant card so I hold it close to the letter box and he tries to grab it but can't quite reach. I look at my collegaue who is looking really sheepish now and I twig, this is the same thing that happened to him apart from his warrant card went through the door! Oh dear! After 25 minutes of negotiation we manage to get the warrant card back and the TV and Radio are turned down. We then result the call and I am surprised to hear the resourcer laughing their heads off as they twigged that my colleague had told them over the radio that he needed his colleaugue to go with him as the old man was abusive and they had images of the 'colleague' being a burly officer rather than a female! It was even better when I informed of the warrant card escapade!
Another time when the resourcers had a chuckle was when 3 of us Speckles were out on a Saturday night in St Peters. There was a call to the Skate Park relating to a group of youths generally being a nuisance so we drive over and as soon as we pull up the 5 youngsters did a starburst over the wall and into the field. Myself and my 2 male collegaues exit the car and try to give me a leg up over the wall but I am laughing too much and can't get my leg over - no rude comments please! So they eventually get one of them over, the other gets back in the car and drives round one side of the field and I decide to give chase round the building as I know the area well and there is a wooded area behind the park. So I make my way up the steep embankment and I get to the top - unbeknownst to me it is now used as a fly tipping ground and when I get to the top I promptly go A over T and land in a heap of broken glass, barbed wire and old tires at the bottom. My hand is cut to shreds by the broken glass and I have hit my head on a 4 by 2 pice of steel, needless to say I am not a happy bunny! I gather my wits about me and stand up carefully, blood pouring down my arm and I am not ashamed to admit I swore LOUDLY! However partway through my potty mouth tirade, a tiny white face appears, looks at me and shouts ' Run, Police' I look, laugh and say I am the Fucking Police, I suggest you stand by the car and don't move! Then another face and another and another appears, I have all 5 of them in front of me looking aghast. I was dishevelled, muddy and bloody and my head throbbed like a good'un. I must have given them the scariest look as I yelled at them to stand by the car and I wasn't in the mood for any messing about. They all slunk off like puppies told off for weeing on the rug. I collected my thoughts and tried to radio my colleaugues as I needed help - I was losing blood and feeling quite queasy and there was no chance that the kids would still be by the car if they had any sense, they would have legged it. I got no reponse on my radio so I called the control room and requested a talk through with my colleagues but they couldn't contact them. I made my way carefully and slowly back to the patrol car and what greeted me - 5 young men standing in a line! The silly sods were waiting for me - I must have given them one hell of a look! I radio'd back to control and informed them that I had five in custody, they wanted me to confirm where my colleagues were and I informed them that they were probably still in the field chasing the five youths. Yes, I can confirm five in custody. Eventually my two collegaues returned and were greeted by me taking the details of the 5 youths, still with blood pouring down my arm and now the world was spinning. They took over and searched the youths who were let go with a severe bollocking from me for making off from police and minus some alcohol and fags which were seized as they were all under age. My colleagues tried to recover the situation by updating control but they already knew that the lone femal officeer had apprehended 5 alone whilst my colleagues were doing what? Turns out they were making dog noises to try and make it sound like they were tracking the kids down, funny now I look back on it but at the time I was furious as they had changed their radio channels and not updated anybody. I got driven back to custody where I then spent 30 minutes being patched up by the Custody Sergeant, he put a plaster of my hand and everything!
So that's some of my tales, I have more to share but these shall do for now, other tales involve traffic accidents, missing persons, dead bodies, sudden deaths, burglary, theft from shops and a hell of a lot more weird and wonderful scenarios like fights on train platforms and topless modelling on Margate Sands. As I say, I have experienced a lot and that may be why not a lot phases me now but it adds to the great diversity of life experience.
Hope to see you again soon, stay safe x
Monday, 24 January 2011
Thursday, 20 January 2011
Stress in the Modern Day = Man, and the Friends who make it all better!
Evening travellers,
I was going to blog about my stressy evening but I have decided that I shall rise above the situation and will not allow myself to be dragged into the realms of forever going on about the most expensive mistake that someone has ever made. I am rising above the natural thing of wanting to bad mouth and rave about the mistake and will just suck it up and await the final judgement when I see the actual evidence of the 'Fuck Up'. That is all I will say about it for now. Once evidence is received, that may be another story...but that's for another day.
So how do I continue with the subject of 'Stress in the Modern Day = Man' - well I can't cos I said that I wasn't going to dwell on it anymore and as it only relates to one man it appears that the subject has been prematurely closed - move swiftly on....
So, hey, how are you doing? apart from the topic above, my week and so far my year has been going pretty darn well! 2011 appears to be the year of change, new beginnings and exciting things to come. There are challenges ahead and I actually feel ready and in a position this year to tackle them head on. I have so far this year, driven further than I have before - ever!!! I never thought that was going to happen and I also drove through London - something that I said I would never do, you know what? I survived and I did good!! I have more confidence now in my ability and myself as a person. I have changed from how I used to be, I put this down to various factors but the making of me appears to have been the split from the ex and the re-invention of Sam. Not really a re-invention at all, just a re-discovery of who I used to be and who I spent years trying not to be.
Its a funny thing when you wake up one morning and realise that the person that you spent so many years trying to run away from and hide away when you look in the mirror is actually the person that you should be and that people actually like you for that. From August 2010 onwards, I looked at life like it was crashing down around me, and it was but not for the reasons that I thought. I had helped to break down the barriers that were containing me because I wanted to be me again, I wanted to be the 'happy--go-lucky' person that I always was but who had gotten caged through circumstances. When I realised this, it was quite a revelation. It took for old friends to speak to me through Facebook to realise that I had lost myself along the way somewhere and I had trapped myself in a life that I wasn't really happy in. Once you realise this, change happens fast and other's don't adapt well to it - I suppose it was apparent from the breakdown of the relationship - 2 and a half years in the making, that you start realising that there must be more. Things happen that you overlook but they niggle away in the background until the whole lot comes rushing up to the forefront and the wheels fall off -- I'm not playing the blame game and I will take my fair share of culpability when it comes to it as I am sure that I prompted some of the affects of the circumstances, but some people give up too quickly and cave to temptations. No judgements made, just fact.
The lies and deceit don't wash though and respect and trust is lost. There is no going back and whilst I can remain civil, the hurt runs deep and cuts to the core. No tears though - they left the arena years ago, they will come again I am sure but I will save them for somebody who deserves them.
Luckily, there are people out there who can see through the facade that was erected and I am lucky to have really good friends who make me laugh and make me smile, I have special friends who mean more to me than they will ever know and who can say the best thing at the right time to boost my spirits. These are the friends I love and cherish, the ones who I know I can depend on - who don't mind if I rant and rave and talk crap at any time of the day or night. They are the friends who drop what they are doing to cheer me up and who give me sound words of advice. To these people, you know who you are and I am grateful - you mean so much to me and I will return the favour one hundred fold when you need it. These people have helped me laugh, trust and live again. Some I have known for a long time and some I have known for a short time, it doesn't matter though - you are all the best and I love each and every one of you in your own special ways. I just want to say Thanks from the bottom of my heart! Love you guys! xxx
I was going to blog about my stressy evening but I have decided that I shall rise above the situation and will not allow myself to be dragged into the realms of forever going on about the most expensive mistake that someone has ever made. I am rising above the natural thing of wanting to bad mouth and rave about the mistake and will just suck it up and await the final judgement when I see the actual evidence of the 'Fuck Up'. That is all I will say about it for now. Once evidence is received, that may be another story...but that's for another day.
So how do I continue with the subject of 'Stress in the Modern Day = Man' - well I can't cos I said that I wasn't going to dwell on it anymore and as it only relates to one man it appears that the subject has been prematurely closed - move swiftly on....
So, hey, how are you doing? apart from the topic above, my week and so far my year has been going pretty darn well! 2011 appears to be the year of change, new beginnings and exciting things to come. There are challenges ahead and I actually feel ready and in a position this year to tackle them head on. I have so far this year, driven further than I have before - ever!!! I never thought that was going to happen and I also drove through London - something that I said I would never do, you know what? I survived and I did good!! I have more confidence now in my ability and myself as a person. I have changed from how I used to be, I put this down to various factors but the making of me appears to have been the split from the ex and the re-invention of Sam. Not really a re-invention at all, just a re-discovery of who I used to be and who I spent years trying not to be.
Its a funny thing when you wake up one morning and realise that the person that you spent so many years trying to run away from and hide away when you look in the mirror is actually the person that you should be and that people actually like you for that. From August 2010 onwards, I looked at life like it was crashing down around me, and it was but not for the reasons that I thought. I had helped to break down the barriers that were containing me because I wanted to be me again, I wanted to be the 'happy--go-lucky' person that I always was but who had gotten caged through circumstances. When I realised this, it was quite a revelation. It took for old friends to speak to me through Facebook to realise that I had lost myself along the way somewhere and I had trapped myself in a life that I wasn't really happy in. Once you realise this, change happens fast and other's don't adapt well to it - I suppose it was apparent from the breakdown of the relationship - 2 and a half years in the making, that you start realising that there must be more. Things happen that you overlook but they niggle away in the background until the whole lot comes rushing up to the forefront and the wheels fall off -- I'm not playing the blame game and I will take my fair share of culpability when it comes to it as I am sure that I prompted some of the affects of the circumstances, but some people give up too quickly and cave to temptations. No judgements made, just fact.
The lies and deceit don't wash though and respect and trust is lost. There is no going back and whilst I can remain civil, the hurt runs deep and cuts to the core. No tears though - they left the arena years ago, they will come again I am sure but I will save them for somebody who deserves them.
Luckily, there are people out there who can see through the facade that was erected and I am lucky to have really good friends who make me laugh and make me smile, I have special friends who mean more to me than they will ever know and who can say the best thing at the right time to boost my spirits. These are the friends I love and cherish, the ones who I know I can depend on - who don't mind if I rant and rave and talk crap at any time of the day or night. They are the friends who drop what they are doing to cheer me up and who give me sound words of advice. To these people, you know who you are and I am grateful - you mean so much to me and I will return the favour one hundred fold when you need it. These people have helped me laugh, trust and live again. Some I have known for a long time and some I have known for a short time, it doesn't matter though - you are all the best and I love each and every one of you in your own special ways. I just want to say Thanks from the bottom of my heart! Love you guys! xxx
Sunday, 9 January 2011
Insomnesia - the new must have ailment!
Hello chums,
Welcome back to the trekking through the workings of the mind of me! Today we shall discuss the finer points of the new must have ailment known as Insomnesia, yes that's right, Insomnesia! Imsomnia with a dash of amnesia for better affect!
I have suffered from mild insomnia for some time now and it usually comes in waves - a period of two weeks of pure unadulterated blissful sleep from the hours of around 10pm to 7am. No tossing, turning, moving......nothing, just pure rest, then a week of disturbed sleep, gradully building up from waking every couple of hours to by the end of the week waking nearly every 30 mins. Then 2 weeks of pure hell, nights where there is no sleep at all or a maximum of around 4 hours sleep mixed in between the periods of tossing, turning, fidgeting for fidget sake. And then after that we then go through the cylce again. However now I have developed Insomnesia, now there is pretty much no sleep on many nights or a couple of hours of rest followed by the wee small hours in the morning looking up at the dark ceiling or staring at the clock wondering how long it will be until time catches up with itself and then the dawn will come and I can legitimately get up and walk round in my zombified state :)
Now also add in periods of what can only be classed as amnesia, the times where you wake up from the 15 minute sleep to find that you have magically turned round in the bed so that you are down the foot end or have planted yourself on the settee downstairs but don't remember getting there, ok its basically sleep walking but I like the name Insomnesia better, makes it sound much more dramatic. At least the days of driving the car have now ended, at least I think they have! Anyway, yesterday was a sleepless night, sleep came at 5 am and then llike clockwork - wide awake at 7.30 am, no point trying to go back to sleep - its not gonna happen! So I have a cup of coffee and try to make the best of a bad deal, catch up on a good book, isten to iPod, text everybody in my contact list who I know went out the night before and will be trying desperately to sleep off the affects of the alcohol - what the hell, if I can't sleep - why should they! LOL :)
Carry on dreaming in denim - lose the shoulder pads though ok! x
Welcome back to the trekking through the workings of the mind of me! Today we shall discuss the finer points of the new must have ailment known as Insomnesia, yes that's right, Insomnesia! Imsomnia with a dash of amnesia for better affect!
I have suffered from mild insomnia for some time now and it usually comes in waves - a period of two weeks of pure unadulterated blissful sleep from the hours of around 10pm to 7am. No tossing, turning, moving......nothing, just pure rest, then a week of disturbed sleep, gradully building up from waking every couple of hours to by the end of the week waking nearly every 30 mins. Then 2 weeks of pure hell, nights where there is no sleep at all or a maximum of around 4 hours sleep mixed in between the periods of tossing, turning, fidgeting for fidget sake. And then after that we then go through the cylce again. However now I have developed Insomnesia, now there is pretty much no sleep on many nights or a couple of hours of rest followed by the wee small hours in the morning looking up at the dark ceiling or staring at the clock wondering how long it will be until time catches up with itself and then the dawn will come and I can legitimately get up and walk round in my zombified state :)
Now also add in periods of what can only be classed as amnesia, the times where you wake up from the 15 minute sleep to find that you have magically turned round in the bed so that you are down the foot end or have planted yourself on the settee downstairs but don't remember getting there, ok its basically sleep walking but I like the name Insomnesia better, makes it sound much more dramatic. At least the days of driving the car have now ended, at least I think they have! Anyway, yesterday was a sleepless night, sleep came at 5 am and then llike clockwork - wide awake at 7.30 am, no point trying to go back to sleep - its not gonna happen! So I have a cup of coffee and try to make the best of a bad deal, catch up on a good book, isten to iPod, text everybody in my contact list who I know went out the night before and will be trying desperately to sleep off the affects of the alcohol - what the hell, if I can't sleep - why should they! LOL :)
Carry on dreaming in denim - lose the shoulder pads though ok! x
Tuesday, 4 January 2011
The Path - and should I stay on it?
Hello travelling buddies!
Today I look at The Path - the path of life that is and whether I should remain travelling along it at constant pace, whether I should run or dawdle, or be radical and just walk on the grass!!
Here is my philosophy - life is The Path - the road that leads to nowhere - or does it? will we ever find out,do we ever reach the end or do we get complacent and lay down roots at the crossroads when we feel tired and don't want to walk any further?
I think I will travel along The Path for a little while yet - although I may wander onto the grass, sometimes I will meander into the undergrowth and go along the road less travelled - looking for adventure, for something more exciting and hoping to find a companion along the way.
I have never been the person to take the easy route, give me a hill to climb, a rock terrain to traverse or a river to wade through and I will. But I do believe that we all meet people on the journey who are there to assist in the journey for one reason or another, you may not realise it at the time or even acknowledge that the bad times you have with some of these travellers were actually of benefit but eventually - sometimes years down the line, a benefit will come. Bad times help to highlight the good, they also enable other travellers to see you and assist in the journey. Some will be with you for a day, maybe a week or two and then they will be gone. Some stay for years and when you are safely on the road will leave you with directions and others will be there for a lifetime, holding the map (or Sat Nav) and will guide you to safety. Everyone has a purpose and everyone has a lesson to learn and one to teach. I am learning my lessons and now have the strength to make parts of the journey on my own, knowing that my true friends will be a couple of steps behind, not too far away to catch me if I fall but far enough that I can stumble and then find my own way back up again. Sometimes the best travelling companions have always been there - just nestled in the background, out of sight until you really need them and then they appear. Take my good friend Matthew. He has appeared in my life without me knowing it on various occassions, just out of my eyeline - the small world syndrome, he worked with an ex-boyfriend and unknowingly was told about me, he then worked at the Police Station on the floor above me but our paths never quite crossed, again he then started working at the Council, I used to see him on various occassions but never to speak to and again he was in the background but just that little bit too far in the distance for me to see clearly. Then when I needed a good friend, we were thrust on the same path - a course that we were both signed up for and we both had a laugh, me drawing on his newspaper and him doodling on my pad, then my arm and me colouring in his face with a biro - not much but just enough to show him I meant business. From there we became travelling companions, he listens to me rant and rave, telling him of jokes I have played and messing up his desk - he has mild OCD and I do prey on that fact in a playful way :) He is a great friend and I hope I offer the same in return! But then the path runs out and I stumble into the undergrowth and the area of the journey that isn't travelled - the part that I must do alone and see where it takes me, this part of the journey is scary as I make my way through the thorns of life. The painful parts that nobody else gets to experiance. This is my journey and mine alone. No other person travels this way until I clear the way and their experience will not be the same as mine, the thorns will have gone by then and the way will be clear - they will experiance their own areas of undergrowth, I can just tell them what I did and felt and if I failed to move a branch, tell them how I overcame it and they will do the same for me on areas where they have dealt with similar. Somet imes,mt experience will be the first one and sometimes it won't. Sometimes I will need to be carried and sometimes I will run as fast as my feet can carry me. But I will survive the journey and I will take my special travelling companions with me. So I thank you all - for coming with me, however long or short your travelling time with me is and I thankyou for any help that you give me, be it good or bad as it all assists me on my journey. I will get to the end of my path and I will settle at some point - until then I am a nomad, a denim wearing nomad who hates shoulder pads! x
Today I look at The Path - the path of life that is and whether I should remain travelling along it at constant pace, whether I should run or dawdle, or be radical and just walk on the grass!!
Here is my philosophy - life is The Path - the road that leads to nowhere - or does it? will we ever find out,do we ever reach the end or do we get complacent and lay down roots at the crossroads when we feel tired and don't want to walk any further?
I think I will travel along The Path for a little while yet - although I may wander onto the grass, sometimes I will meander into the undergrowth and go along the road less travelled - looking for adventure, for something more exciting and hoping to find a companion along the way.
I have never been the person to take the easy route, give me a hill to climb, a rock terrain to traverse or a river to wade through and I will. But I do believe that we all meet people on the journey who are there to assist in the journey for one reason or another, you may not realise it at the time or even acknowledge that the bad times you have with some of these travellers were actually of benefit but eventually - sometimes years down the line, a benefit will come. Bad times help to highlight the good, they also enable other travellers to see you and assist in the journey. Some will be with you for a day, maybe a week or two and then they will be gone. Some stay for years and when you are safely on the road will leave you with directions and others will be there for a lifetime, holding the map (or Sat Nav) and will guide you to safety. Everyone has a purpose and everyone has a lesson to learn and one to teach. I am learning my lessons and now have the strength to make parts of the journey on my own, knowing that my true friends will be a couple of steps behind, not too far away to catch me if I fall but far enough that I can stumble and then find my own way back up again. Sometimes the best travelling companions have always been there - just nestled in the background, out of sight until you really need them and then they appear. Take my good friend Matthew. He has appeared in my life without me knowing it on various occassions, just out of my eyeline - the small world syndrome, he worked with an ex-boyfriend and unknowingly was told about me, he then worked at the Police Station on the floor above me but our paths never quite crossed, again he then started working at the Council, I used to see him on various occassions but never to speak to and again he was in the background but just that little bit too far in the distance for me to see clearly. Then when I needed a good friend, we were thrust on the same path - a course that we were both signed up for and we both had a laugh, me drawing on his newspaper and him doodling on my pad, then my arm and me colouring in his face with a biro - not much but just enough to show him I meant business. From there we became travelling companions, he listens to me rant and rave, telling him of jokes I have played and messing up his desk - he has mild OCD and I do prey on that fact in a playful way :) He is a great friend and I hope I offer the same in return! But then the path runs out and I stumble into the undergrowth and the area of the journey that isn't travelled - the part that I must do alone and see where it takes me, this part of the journey is scary as I make my way through the thorns of life. The painful parts that nobody else gets to experiance. This is my journey and mine alone. No other person travels this way until I clear the way and their experience will not be the same as mine, the thorns will have gone by then and the way will be clear - they will experiance their own areas of undergrowth, I can just tell them what I did and felt and if I failed to move a branch, tell them how I overcame it and they will do the same for me on areas where they have dealt with similar. Somet imes,mt experience will be the first one and sometimes it won't. Sometimes I will need to be carried and sometimes I will run as fast as my feet can carry me. But I will survive the journey and I will take my special travelling companions with me. So I thank you all - for coming with me, however long or short your travelling time with me is and I thankyou for any help that you give me, be it good or bad as it all assists me on my journey. I will get to the end of my path and I will settle at some point - until then I am a nomad, a denim wearing nomad who hates shoulder pads! x
Sunday, 26 December 2010
The Princess and the Pea
Hello travellers along the merry path of my mind!
Today we are going to be listening, or reading rather, a story!! Inspired by the thoughts of a good friend, it made me think about my life and here's how it goes....
Once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away, there lived a Princess. She was no ordinary Princess as she was rude, sarcastic and obnoxious but none the less, everyone thought she was a Princess. However, despite her shortcomings, she was kind and loved the woodland creatures, in fact, any creatures and she was forever bringing them home, wherever home was. One day, when the Princess had reached the age where she could be independent, walk home on her own and get a mobile phone, should she ever need one, she decided that she would go out into the world and learn about life, how it ticks along and what actually happens in the big bad world. Now she knew that on the journey that she may meet some unsavoury creatures but that there were also kindly folk who would not want to see any harm come to her and then there were the knights, those in shining armour, who would want to grab hold of her, pull her onto their steed and wisk her away to far away lands that had limitless possibilities. She just needed to be patient and bide her time. So the Princess left the safety of her homeland and travelled far and wide, meeting many people along the way. There was one problem in this, that was that the Princess did not see herself as a Princess, not someone to be treasured and kept as a prized possession by any knight and so the problems started. Her self image was such that she saw herself as a servant girl, one who would never quite get to the point of meeting a knight, let alone being wisked away by one. So one day a knight in training comes along, and he sees the Princess and she falls in love with him and they run away to his kingdom, he lived with his family in a village a fair way away from the land of the Princess and for many years, life was good. But the Princess was struggling with the trainee knight. He saw her as a prized possession and very soon became obsessive over her and she felt like a caged bird, let out only to see the sun when he was near. Soon this became too much for the Princess and she longed to fly free and far away from the trainee knight - she soon learnt that the love that she once had for him was replaced by a feeling of possession, and she found that unbearable. Nobody should be kept in a cage and one day when he least expected it, she flew out of the cage and into the sky. She flew so high that when she looked down, she was giddy and had to rest on a branch of a nearby tree and it was at this point that she saw that the trainee knight was in a secret garden that she never knew existed with another servant girl (remember the Princess was not under the impression that she was a Princess at all!) This was too much for the Princess to take and she flew and flew, her heart breaking with each flap of her wings until she arrived back into her kingdon, where another knight was waiting to catch her as she fell exhausted and battered from the flight. She was tired and the strain of her escape had bruised her so the knight had to nurse her back to health and he kept her in his kingdom until she was healthy again. It took some time but soon the Princess, no longer a bird but a Princess again, still under the impression that she looked more like a servant girl, was happy and she lived alongside her new knight, safe in the knowledge that she could be independent as she was no longer in a cage. What she didn't realise was the cunning knight knew that cages were too obvious a trap to use and so one night he had placed a slight sliver chain around her ankle. She was bound to him from that day on but never realised, she had enough chain to move around as free as she wished but she was bound all the same, she just never knew till later. One day, whilst out with her knight, a wolf in sheep's clothing came along. He decided that the chain was not an issue and wanted to take the Princess for his own - and he tried that very night. The Princess was so upset and detested the wolf for his trickery and called to her knight to save her but her cries were left unanswered. She was alone and yet bound to him and from that day, her life spiralled out of control. The wolf lived to see another day and the Princess had to see the wolf, whilst the knight was protected from him. All the Princess had to protect her from the wolf was her integrity, honesty and humanity but it was being stolen from her daily by the wolf and a pack of them had started to move into the kingdom. The Princess was distraught and one day she took the decision to cut the silver chain that she had found and run as fast as she could from the kingdom and so she did. She ran and she ran until her feet hurt and her legs could carry her no more. There was a white knight who was riding the other way and he saw her running and followed, he saw her fall and he stopped and picked her up, put her on his horse and he carried her for a while. All the time that he was carrying her, he looked out for her and in time she grew to love him and his caring ways. But there was an underlying problem that the Princess had, in that she couldn't trust anybody - she had been let down so many times and been prayed upon by the wolves so she built herself a tower and when it was big and strong, she entered the tower and closed the door. She climbed to the top of the tower where there was a solitary window and she sat there, talking from way up high, down to the white kinght. She was safe in the knowledge that whilst she was in the tower on her own, nobody could hurt her and she could see the white knight below, making sure no foes could enter. Years passed and the white knight and the Princess slowly stopped loving each other as they used to and became the best of friends and towards the end of the Princess's self inflicted incarceration in her self made tower, they gradually stopped talking to each other and became strangers. The Princess decided that the tower had protected her for long enough and she slowly began to dismantle it, brick by brick until it stood at half the height she had originally constructed it at. She decided that it should remain at half height and was to be there should she ever need its protection again and as she left the protection of the tower she spoke to the white knight, who said that he was to leave for another kingdom. She bid him farewell and wished him luck, waved him goodbye and turned in the other direction. She walked along the path into the forest where she had never been before and found that she was not scared, although it was dark and sometimes cold. As she walked along she met kindly folk who walked with her, and knights who wanted to wisk her away to their kingdoms but she was wary - she looked into her mirror and all she saw was a lonely servant girl staring back - not a Princess. One day a knight came along whom the Princess knew from when she was younger and she spoke to him of times that had passed. She was surprised when he called her a Princess and again looked at her reflection in the mirror but still the servant girl stared back at her. She told the knight that she was waiting for her Prince Charming to come along and he said that she was really waiting for her knight in shining armour and she thought about this and decided that he was right, she was waiting for her knight in shining armour, however how was a servant girl supposed to get a knight to notice her. The knight said that she was wrong and that she was a Princess but that he was not and had never been worthy and that baffled the Princess because she felt that she was not worthy of the knight. So the Princess decided that until she meets her knight who will wisk her away, every night she will sleep with a pea under her mattress - and she has ever since. The pea is uncomfortable but it helps to keep her grounded and is a memory of her battles that she has fought and either won or lost. It reminds her of who she is and where she has come from. She still sees herself as a servant girl and probably always will, not the Princess that so many have declared her to be. She sleeps with the pea in the hopes that someday soon, her knight will come and rescue her, take her into his arms and never let her go. She wants to be free and allowed to live her days in the open air, not caged, shackled or locked in a tower. And one day, hopefully, he will come and it will be the knight that she dreams of, and he will understand that he has always been worthy of her attention and that she won't give up on him and will not shackle him or keep him caged. Then and only then can she stopsleeping on the pea. She just wants to ride into the sunset and live happily ever after - in denim :)
To be continued..........hopefully x
Today we are going to be listening, or reading rather, a story!! Inspired by the thoughts of a good friend, it made me think about my life and here's how it goes....
Once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away, there lived a Princess. She was no ordinary Princess as she was rude, sarcastic and obnoxious but none the less, everyone thought she was a Princess. However, despite her shortcomings, she was kind and loved the woodland creatures, in fact, any creatures and she was forever bringing them home, wherever home was. One day, when the Princess had reached the age where she could be independent, walk home on her own and get a mobile phone, should she ever need one, she decided that she would go out into the world and learn about life, how it ticks along and what actually happens in the big bad world. Now she knew that on the journey that she may meet some unsavoury creatures but that there were also kindly folk who would not want to see any harm come to her and then there were the knights, those in shining armour, who would want to grab hold of her, pull her onto their steed and wisk her away to far away lands that had limitless possibilities. She just needed to be patient and bide her time. So the Princess left the safety of her homeland and travelled far and wide, meeting many people along the way. There was one problem in this, that was that the Princess did not see herself as a Princess, not someone to be treasured and kept as a prized possession by any knight and so the problems started. Her self image was such that she saw herself as a servant girl, one who would never quite get to the point of meeting a knight, let alone being wisked away by one. So one day a knight in training comes along, and he sees the Princess and she falls in love with him and they run away to his kingdom, he lived with his family in a village a fair way away from the land of the Princess and for many years, life was good. But the Princess was struggling with the trainee knight. He saw her as a prized possession and very soon became obsessive over her and she felt like a caged bird, let out only to see the sun when he was near. Soon this became too much for the Princess and she longed to fly free and far away from the trainee knight - she soon learnt that the love that she once had for him was replaced by a feeling of possession, and she found that unbearable. Nobody should be kept in a cage and one day when he least expected it, she flew out of the cage and into the sky. She flew so high that when she looked down, she was giddy and had to rest on a branch of a nearby tree and it was at this point that she saw that the trainee knight was in a secret garden that she never knew existed with another servant girl (remember the Princess was not under the impression that she was a Princess at all!) This was too much for the Princess to take and she flew and flew, her heart breaking with each flap of her wings until she arrived back into her kingdon, where another knight was waiting to catch her as she fell exhausted and battered from the flight. She was tired and the strain of her escape had bruised her so the knight had to nurse her back to health and he kept her in his kingdom until she was healthy again. It took some time but soon the Princess, no longer a bird but a Princess again, still under the impression that she looked more like a servant girl, was happy and she lived alongside her new knight, safe in the knowledge that she could be independent as she was no longer in a cage. What she didn't realise was the cunning knight knew that cages were too obvious a trap to use and so one night he had placed a slight sliver chain around her ankle. She was bound to him from that day on but never realised, she had enough chain to move around as free as she wished but she was bound all the same, she just never knew till later. One day, whilst out with her knight, a wolf in sheep's clothing came along. He decided that the chain was not an issue and wanted to take the Princess for his own - and he tried that very night. The Princess was so upset and detested the wolf for his trickery and called to her knight to save her but her cries were left unanswered. She was alone and yet bound to him and from that day, her life spiralled out of control. The wolf lived to see another day and the Princess had to see the wolf, whilst the knight was protected from him. All the Princess had to protect her from the wolf was her integrity, honesty and humanity but it was being stolen from her daily by the wolf and a pack of them had started to move into the kingdom. The Princess was distraught and one day she took the decision to cut the silver chain that she had found and run as fast as she could from the kingdom and so she did. She ran and she ran until her feet hurt and her legs could carry her no more. There was a white knight who was riding the other way and he saw her running and followed, he saw her fall and he stopped and picked her up, put her on his horse and he carried her for a while. All the time that he was carrying her, he looked out for her and in time she grew to love him and his caring ways. But there was an underlying problem that the Princess had, in that she couldn't trust anybody - she had been let down so many times and been prayed upon by the wolves so she built herself a tower and when it was big and strong, she entered the tower and closed the door. She climbed to the top of the tower where there was a solitary window and she sat there, talking from way up high, down to the white kinght. She was safe in the knowledge that whilst she was in the tower on her own, nobody could hurt her and she could see the white knight below, making sure no foes could enter. Years passed and the white knight and the Princess slowly stopped loving each other as they used to and became the best of friends and towards the end of the Princess's self inflicted incarceration in her self made tower, they gradually stopped talking to each other and became strangers. The Princess decided that the tower had protected her for long enough and she slowly began to dismantle it, brick by brick until it stood at half the height she had originally constructed it at. She decided that it should remain at half height and was to be there should she ever need its protection again and as she left the protection of the tower she spoke to the white knight, who said that he was to leave for another kingdom. She bid him farewell and wished him luck, waved him goodbye and turned in the other direction. She walked along the path into the forest where she had never been before and found that she was not scared, although it was dark and sometimes cold. As she walked along she met kindly folk who walked with her, and knights who wanted to wisk her away to their kingdoms but she was wary - she looked into her mirror and all she saw was a lonely servant girl staring back - not a Princess. One day a knight came along whom the Princess knew from when she was younger and she spoke to him of times that had passed. She was surprised when he called her a Princess and again looked at her reflection in the mirror but still the servant girl stared back at her. She told the knight that she was waiting for her Prince Charming to come along and he said that she was really waiting for her knight in shining armour and she thought about this and decided that he was right, she was waiting for her knight in shining armour, however how was a servant girl supposed to get a knight to notice her. The knight said that she was wrong and that she was a Princess but that he was not and had never been worthy and that baffled the Princess because she felt that she was not worthy of the knight. So the Princess decided that until she meets her knight who will wisk her away, every night she will sleep with a pea under her mattress - and she has ever since. The pea is uncomfortable but it helps to keep her grounded and is a memory of her battles that she has fought and either won or lost. It reminds her of who she is and where she has come from. She still sees herself as a servant girl and probably always will, not the Princess that so many have declared her to be. She sleeps with the pea in the hopes that someday soon, her knight will come and rescue her, take her into his arms and never let her go. She wants to be free and allowed to live her days in the open air, not caged, shackled or locked in a tower. And one day, hopefully, he will come and it will be the knight that she dreams of, and he will understand that he has always been worthy of her attention and that she won't give up on him and will not shackle him or keep him caged. Then and only then can she stopsleeping on the pea. She just wants to ride into the sunset and live happily ever after - in denim :)
To be continued..........hopefully x
Saturday, 13 November 2010
Single = Freedom
Hey ho travelling chums!!!
Reality hit home today - Single = Freedom. A strange concept to get used to after 13 years being in one relationship or another! Since becoming a batchelorette - that is my new title, I have found that I sleep less, through choice mainly although insomnia still knocks on my bedroom door on the odd occasion and stays for a week long holiday! I have been blessing the wisdom I showed when I stood up to the lady in the Vodafone shop (other moblie phone providers are available) and stated that I wanted an i-Phone and that the contract that I wanted with 3000 texts included per month was the right package for me, she moaned and argued as my previous usage showed that even the basic package of 10 free texts per year would not have been suitable (ok, I'm embellishing that one slightly, I used to send 15 texts per year, mainly to say that I was stuck in traffic or whatever if I knew dinner was ready !) But no, I stood my ground, mainly because I wanted the phone and was too tight to pay for the blasted thing so the only way I could get it free was if I paid more each month and got a stupid amount of calls and texts included. Now Vodafone (remember other providers are available) have this great technology so that they can look at what you actually use from the last time you re-newed the contract so they were pretty much gonna give me a Nokia from the 1990s as my phone was not used that much. I however stood my ground, I am the customer - I am RIGHT! I will use the excessive amount of texts each month you stupid woman, you obviously don't know me that well and I don't care what your computer tells you- the reason I didn't text much over the last year was due to me seeing my friends face to face (blah blah blah, pinocchio had nothing on me that day, I lied for England just to get that blasted phone!) So to cut this extremely long story short, I got the contract! 2 months later I become single and my phone catches fire - not literally but it remains at a high temperature due to the usage. I have not been so popular - I nearly use my allocated texts each month and am never bored. My social life has exploded and I am having to cancel people for fear of double booking! I go out more, I do fun things and I have PLANS - many plans and you know what, its tiring but its fun. Its Freedom. The freedom to do what I want, when I want and not have to worry about pleasing somebody else or worrying that if I talk to this person it might upset somebody else. Yeah, its strange not having somebody there to give you a hug when you need one, thats probably what I miss the most, but the benefits are such that I never really thought of. I don't have to do stuff that I don't want to and if I want to act all crazy then I can. I like having friends to hang out with and although they were there befre, its different when you don't have a significant other. You get invites and calls and texts that you wouldn't have got before - I really can't explain it!
I also get to act really crazy and can say things that I wouldn't before but not really worry about the consequences. Life is easier - perhaps because I have grown as a person and learnt to stop punishing myself things that bound me in my former 'coupled' life. Now, I live for me and me alone and I have to tkae control of my life as much as I can. No regrets, no what ifs, no I should have done that but didn't because... now I start living. I live for me and I live my life as I want to, I may make some mistakes but they are mine to make. Bit like the shoulder pads, glad I kept the denim :o)
Come wander by soon - if you get bored, why not send a text? x
Reality hit home today - Single = Freedom. A strange concept to get used to after 13 years being in one relationship or another! Since becoming a batchelorette - that is my new title, I have found that I sleep less, through choice mainly although insomnia still knocks on my bedroom door on the odd occasion and stays for a week long holiday! I have been blessing the wisdom I showed when I stood up to the lady in the Vodafone shop (other moblie phone providers are available) and stated that I wanted an i-Phone and that the contract that I wanted with 3000 texts included per month was the right package for me, she moaned and argued as my previous usage showed that even the basic package of 10 free texts per year would not have been suitable (ok, I'm embellishing that one slightly, I used to send 15 texts per year, mainly to say that I was stuck in traffic or whatever if I knew dinner was ready !) But no, I stood my ground, mainly because I wanted the phone and was too tight to pay for the blasted thing so the only way I could get it free was if I paid more each month and got a stupid amount of calls and texts included. Now Vodafone (remember other providers are available) have this great technology so that they can look at what you actually use from the last time you re-newed the contract so they were pretty much gonna give me a Nokia from the 1990s as my phone was not used that much. I however stood my ground, I am the customer - I am RIGHT! I will use the excessive amount of texts each month you stupid woman, you obviously don't know me that well and I don't care what your computer tells you- the reason I didn't text much over the last year was due to me seeing my friends face to face (blah blah blah, pinocchio had nothing on me that day, I lied for England just to get that blasted phone!) So to cut this extremely long story short, I got the contract! 2 months later I become single and my phone catches fire - not literally but it remains at a high temperature due to the usage. I have not been so popular - I nearly use my allocated texts each month and am never bored. My social life has exploded and I am having to cancel people for fear of double booking! I go out more, I do fun things and I have PLANS - many plans and you know what, its tiring but its fun. Its Freedom. The freedom to do what I want, when I want and not have to worry about pleasing somebody else or worrying that if I talk to this person it might upset somebody else. Yeah, its strange not having somebody there to give you a hug when you need one, thats probably what I miss the most, but the benefits are such that I never really thought of. I don't have to do stuff that I don't want to and if I want to act all crazy then I can. I like having friends to hang out with and although they were there befre, its different when you don't have a significant other. You get invites and calls and texts that you wouldn't have got before - I really can't explain it!
I also get to act really crazy and can say things that I wouldn't before but not really worry about the consequences. Life is easier - perhaps because I have grown as a person and learnt to stop punishing myself things that bound me in my former 'coupled' life. Now, I live for me and me alone and I have to tkae control of my life as much as I can. No regrets, no what ifs, no I should have done that but didn't because... now I start living. I live for me and I live my life as I want to, I may make some mistakes but they are mine to make. Bit like the shoulder pads, glad I kept the denim :o)
Come wander by soon - if you get bored, why not send a text? x
Tuesday, 9 November 2010
Faith and trust - is there one without the other?
Hey happy travellers! Welcome back and sorry for the blog delay - put it down to personal turmoil! Never one to be downbeat for long though - here I am back and raring to go- ok, we'll just say I'm back for now!!
I have been wallowing in the dark space in my mind recently, the part near the back of the eye-just behind the nostrils and trawling through the mental journals - doing a little spring cleaning of the memory matter - boy, it gets dusty back there! Its the place where all little nuggets of life are kept safe so that one day they can pop back up -BOO! Here I am, forget I was here?
So trawling through the dross, I come across memories of seasons past - good times, bad times and indescriminate times, things that were good, bad and ugly, days I never wanted to end and days that will be permanently etched in the grey matter like a eulogy on a headstone. The only consolation is I survived and whilst the scars slowly fade but never really heal, at least the pain becomes bearable - just!
Whilst examining the scars of a time I would rather forget but feel will be with me for my remaining years, however numerous they may or may not be, I come across the question of faith and trust. Is there one without the other? I believe not - you have to trust to have faith and you have to have faith to trust - I come to a dead end here. What happens when all your faith and trust have been shredded? Dessicated like coconut and scattered across the path of life? What can you do to remain a balanced individual, a good natured person who wants to see the best in everybody and gives all they can but never really gets anything back in return? Who can you trust? Do you trust officials - people sworn to protect but who flout their position and hide behind it - who make you feel guilty, almost the perpetrator of THEIR actions when really you are the victim of them? Who do you then put your faith in? The people who make you feel guilty for being in the wrong place at the wrong time - the blame gets pushed back on you.
So now, there is very little faith and trust left in the small place behind the nostrils, I'm trying to work on it but its quite delicate to get the balance right - forgive me if I slip, normal service should resume, just not too sure when - at least denim is still in fashion, still can't stand the shoulder pads! Oh, I cracked a smile - my wit will continue whatever!
Bring your passports next time travellers, we are going on a journey! x
I have been wallowing in the dark space in my mind recently, the part near the back of the eye-just behind the nostrils and trawling through the mental journals - doing a little spring cleaning of the memory matter - boy, it gets dusty back there! Its the place where all little nuggets of life are kept safe so that one day they can pop back up -BOO! Here I am, forget I was here?
So trawling through the dross, I come across memories of seasons past - good times, bad times and indescriminate times, things that were good, bad and ugly, days I never wanted to end and days that will be permanently etched in the grey matter like a eulogy on a headstone. The only consolation is I survived and whilst the scars slowly fade but never really heal, at least the pain becomes bearable - just!
Whilst examining the scars of a time I would rather forget but feel will be with me for my remaining years, however numerous they may or may not be, I come across the question of faith and trust. Is there one without the other? I believe not - you have to trust to have faith and you have to have faith to trust - I come to a dead end here. What happens when all your faith and trust have been shredded? Dessicated like coconut and scattered across the path of life? What can you do to remain a balanced individual, a good natured person who wants to see the best in everybody and gives all they can but never really gets anything back in return? Who can you trust? Do you trust officials - people sworn to protect but who flout their position and hide behind it - who make you feel guilty, almost the perpetrator of THEIR actions when really you are the victim of them? Who do you then put your faith in? The people who make you feel guilty for being in the wrong place at the wrong time - the blame gets pushed back on you.
So now, there is very little faith and trust left in the small place behind the nostrils, I'm trying to work on it but its quite delicate to get the balance right - forgive me if I slip, normal service should resume, just not too sure when - at least denim is still in fashion, still can't stand the shoulder pads! Oh, I cracked a smile - my wit will continue whatever!
Bring your passports next time travellers, we are going on a journey! x
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