Saturday, 13 November 2010

Single = Freedom

Hey ho travelling chums!!!

Reality hit home today - Single = Freedom.  A strange concept to get used to after 13 years being in one relationship or another!  Since becoming a batchelorette - that is my new title, I have found that I sleep less, through choice mainly although insomnia still knocks on my bedroom door on the odd occasion and stays for a week long holiday!  I have been blessing the wisdom I showed when I stood up to the lady in the Vodafone shop (other moblie phone providers are available) and stated that I wanted an i-Phone and that the contract that I wanted with 3000 texts included per month was the right package for me, she moaned and argued as my previous usage showed that even the basic package of 10 free texts per year would not have been suitable (ok, I'm embellishing that one slightly, I used to send 15 texts per year, mainly to say that I was stuck in traffic or whatever if I knew dinner was ready !)  But no, I stood my ground, mainly because I wanted the phone and was too tight to pay for the blasted thing so the only way I could get it free was if I paid more each month and got a stupid amount of calls and texts included.  Now Vodafone (remember other providers are available) have this great technology so that they can look at what you actually use from the last time you re-newed the contract so they were pretty much gonna give me a Nokia from the 1990s as my phone was not used that much.  I however stood my ground, I am the customer - I am RIGHT!  I will use the excessive amount of texts each month you stupid woman, you obviously don't know me that well and I don't care what your computer tells you- the reason I didn't text much over the last year was due to me seeing my friends face to face (blah blah blah, pinocchio had nothing on me that day, I lied for England just to get that blasted phone!)  So to cut this extremely long story short, I got the contract!  2 months later I become single and my phone catches fire - not literally but it remains at a high temperature due to the usage.  I have not been so popular - I nearly use my allocated texts each month and am never bored.  My social life has exploded and I am having to cancel people for fear of double booking!  I go out more, I do fun things and I have PLANS - many plans and you know what, its tiring but its fun.  Its Freedom.  The freedom to do what I want, when I want and not have to worry about pleasing somebody else or worrying that if I talk to this person it might upset somebody else.  Yeah, its strange not having somebody there to give you a hug when you need one, thats probably what I miss the most, but the benefits are such that I never really thought of.  I don't have to do stuff that I don't want to and if I want to act all crazy then I can. I like having friends to hang out with and although they were there befre, its different when you don't have a significant other.  You get invites and calls and texts that you wouldn't have got before - I really can't explain it!
I also get to act really crazy and can say things that I wouldn't before but not really worry about the consequences.  Life is easier - perhaps because I have grown as a person and learnt to stop punishing myself things that bound me in my former 'coupled' life.  Now, I live for me and me alone and I have to tkae control of my life as much as I can.  No regrets, no what ifs, no I should have done that but didn't because... now I start living.  I live for me and I live my life as I want to, I may make some mistakes but they are mine to make.  Bit like the shoulder pads, glad I kept the denim :o)

Come wander by soon - if you get bored, why not send a text? x

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Faith and trust - is there one without the other?

Hey happy travellers!  Welcome back and sorry for the blog delay - put it down to personal turmoil!  Never one to be downbeat for long though - here I am back and raring to go- ok, we'll just say I'm back for now!!

I have been wallowing in the dark space in my mind recently, the part near the back of the eye-just behind the nostrils and trawling through the mental journals - doing a little spring cleaning of the memory matter - boy, it gets dusty back there!  Its the place where all little nuggets of life are kept safe so that one day they can pop back up -BOO! Here I am, forget I was here?

So trawling through the dross, I come across memories of seasons past - good times, bad times and indescriminate times, things that were good, bad and ugly, days I never wanted to end and days that will be permanently etched in the grey matter like a eulogy on a headstone.  The only consolation is I survived and whilst the scars slowly fade but never really heal, at least the pain becomes bearable - just!

Whilst examining the scars of a time I would rather forget but feel will be with me for my remaining years, however numerous they may or may not be, I come across the question of faith and trust.  Is there one without the other?  I believe not - you have to trust to have faith and you have to have faith to trust - I come to a dead end here.  What happens when all your faith and trust have been shredded?  Dessicated like coconut and scattered across the path of life?  What can you do to remain a balanced individual, a good natured person who wants to see the best in everybody and gives all they can but never really gets anything back in return?  Who can you trust?  Do you trust officials - people sworn to protect but who flout their position and hide behind it - who make you feel guilty, almost the perpetrator of THEIR actions when really you are the victim of them?  Who do you then put your faith in?  The people who make you feel guilty for being in the wrong place at the wrong time - the blame gets pushed back on you.

So now, there is very little faith and trust left in the small place behind the nostrils, I'm trying to work on it but its quite delicate to get the balance right - forgive me if I slip, normal service should resume, just not too sure when - at least denim is still in fashion, still can't stand the shoulder pads!  Oh, I cracked a smile - my wit will continue whatever!

Bring your passports next time travellers, we are going on a journey! x