Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Spiders.....with Size 10 feet

Hello chumlies - may I say Happy Star Wars Day to you all and May the Fourth be with you!

Today I will share with you a pet hate of mine - Spiders - urgh!!  Even the thought of them brings the hairs up on the back of my neck.  Not only do I hate them, I have a tremendous fear of the blighters and also a scary sixth sense that lets me know when there is one in the house with me - you've heard of GayDar - I have SpiDar - did you like what I did there, clever bird me!!

Anyway, if there is a spider in the house, it must be evicted!  I have plucked up the courage to place a glass strategically over said critters if I am alone otherwise, it's the man of the house who needs to do the eviction!  My Dad used to be my saviour - many a day would end with me climbing the wooden staircase to Bedfordshire, only for a pained wail to come ringing back down.....'DAD'  the response was instantaneous and always the same....'HOW BIG IS IT?'  Almost certainly followed by 'MASSIVE / HUGE' and the slow thud of Dad coming to rescue me from the demon spawn of Satan.  Now I'm not at home with Dad, the role of Head Evictioner is Mike's - and he's not doing too bad so far, especially bearing in mind that he doesn't really like them either.  He has picked some up by their leg - how he does that I don't know and am not going to try!

So for a while, Mike has been evicting the demons of nature.  Then the other day, I go for a shower and the MOTHER of all spiders is in the tub!  When I say the MOTHER I mean THE MOTHER - it was HUGE, in fact it was so big you could hear the size 10 Nike trainers it was wearning clattering in the tub whilst it walked along.  Big Beast is not even coming close.  The funny thing is, now you will probably be sitting there imagining a huge spider in a bath wearing size 10 trainers :)

She sat there looking at me, I stood there looking at her and there was a moment of pure tranquility.  She resumed her pacing and the tap tap of her size 10 feet resumed.  The thing that I find cool is that as a spider has 8 legs, that means 8 feet and that means 40 toes - now that is a lot of nail varnish required!  So the moment of tranquility passed and I hollered to Mike - 'There's a spider in the bath, can you come and rescue me?'  The now standard response of 'How big is it?' is uttered so I respond 'It's big enough to have size 10 Nike Trainers and is having a bath'  So Mike comes to the bathroom and he is shocked by the size of the Beast - it truly was large and unfortunately she met her untimely end there and then, now I don't like killing spiders - I don't like them and want them evicted bu always try my utmost to keep them respiring if I can, it aids to my mental well being making sure that all creatures are safe and well, alive.  But she met her end and it was acknowledged that yes, she was a Big Beast.

Weeks pass and there are a few more spiders in the house, I am in bed one night and I just feel that something is not right - Mike is on a night shift and not due to return until 7am so I make my way with a certain unease into the front room.  I turn and TWO medium sized spiders run at me - its a skirmish and I am not a happy bunny at all.  I am trapped in the living room with TWO spiders holding me to ransom - size 6 and size 7 Adidas trainers on these ones and they look the BIZ!  I grab the only things to hand, 2 glass holders with Veranda Breeze candles in and manage to place strategically over the top of them - one on each.  They were FAST buggers too and all I can hear is the banging of 8 trainers against the glass.  Well, they were going to be two of the best smelling spiders after a night under a Veranda Breeze Candle - no deodorant required for them, there was also a small spider - size 2 Fila Trainers on the wall in the bedroom and that one too is trapped under a glass awaiting the return of Head Evictioner to dispose of.  I now no longer care if they are released or meet their end as I was attacked in the middle of the night and held hostage by the Buggers!

Now somebody really mustn't like me upstairs as a couple of days after the skirmish which so nearly ended in tragedy, me having a heart attack and being tickled to death by 80 tiny spider toes - urgh!  There then appears ANOTHER Beast in the Bath.  This one was HORRID!  Only a Size 8 Reebok but my god did it have a BIG butt - so Big that it extended to possibly three times the size of the head end.  Again I holler for my saviour and dutifully he arrives to rescue me - he is not happy and once the spider has been disposed of comes to give me a re-assuring 'I'm safe' cuddle and bless him, he is shaking!  I have never seen a creature do that to a man and I don't want to again - urgh!!

So next time you have a spider in your house, just think what size trainers it wears and how many toes it has - I wonder if thet wear denim too, possibly not shoulder pads!  I will see you all  soon - possibly on Babylon 5 day :)

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