Friday, 13 August 2010

Regression to funnier times....

Early morning, can't sleep....must blog!

Morning readership of two now!  I am hoping you are enjoying your brief vacation to the 'mind of the manf'a' - much can happen, little rarely does.  Today, I regress into the darker void of the jellital mind mass andlook back on funnier times that made me chuckle, Bible class!

I am not one for Religion - strike me down, I am going to hell (although if there is no good side then is there truely a bad side?)  But never one to appear unbalanced, I always give things a go - you know me, fair to the end.  Best to get all possible answers and then make an informed decision.  So todays nugget is about the time I got banned from bible class!  Yes, you read it right - the Church banned me from going again.  Most people are barred from pubs and clubs, I am barred from a Church - for asking a question!  It went something like this......(imagine radio 2 Steve Wright music here, you know, the Romeo and Juliet one!)
At the age of 12, Sam starts Grammar School and her best friend Chris is there too, they've been friends for years and years although religion wise they were light years apart.  Chris was a devoted Church attender, every Sunday she would be at the front of the queue, Sam on the other hand was queueing in the Co-op, damn I loved that Hypermarket, much better than the Tesco Extra, but now I am getting off subject.  Anyway, continue with the light background music...At each meal, Chris would offer thanks and say Grace before tucking in, I admit sneaking food in once all eyes were closed - I was hungry! and anyway, if all Christians (other religious denominations are available) eat at 12 pm and 6pm then there would be a lot of Grace's being said, surely thats too many to listen too, another question - wouldn't you get bored of hearing the same thing everyday at the same time?  Now times that figure by the amount of Grace saying Christians, and then factor in slight time delays and time zones and you get a headache!  So anyway, I duly sat there and was mainly quiet, said Amen in the right place and then had to try and disguise the fact that during the time Grace was being said and everyone was praying, that half of my lunch had miraculously dissapeared - I say Hallelujiah! Praise the Lord - he must have been hungry and chose to share with me!! So anyway, at school, the Gideons come in - a friendly bunch of people, easy to talk to - look normal but they have free books so I go running up to the front and get one - its a Bible.  I'm impressed - nobody has ever given me a Bible before and after looking in Waterstones (other book retailers are available) they are actually quite expensive to buy if you get a large one and I figured that the small ones must be quite expensive too because they have miniaturised it and still got the same amount of pages, so that must have cost a lot making the paper so thin, that's what I figured anyway.  So I take the book gratefully and handily enough, it fits into my blazer ocket so I carry it around for a week or two reading pages when I have the time, to see what happens.  To be fair, its a bit slow going and I'm not sure if the main characters are really that believable - the plot is slow and nothing exciting really ever happens, I become glad that I never put it in my Christmas or Birthday list, I would have felt short changed by it.  So anyway I think that I have read enough and have a list of burning questions about the text and talk to Chris about it, who is ecstatic that I have 'found religion' and would I 'like to go to Church with me on Sunday?'  I think about it, the Co-op will be there forever (how wrong I was!) and I was sure it wouldn't hurt - there was a Bible class for the youngsters after the main servcie and a Priest would be there to help 'guide you through the text'.  So I say OK.  And Sunday comes, I wear nice clothes as I am sure the Priest must know the Pope and he will talk to him after regarding this young girl who asked so many questions about the free book she was given, I was sure he would be impressed!  So we start at the beginning - Genesis.  That's good, I started there too, at least we both agree on how to best read a book.  Anyway, I love Dinosaurs and they weren't mentioned so I am confused.  In the service prior to Bible class, the Priest was talking of truth and how never to deceive people, that is wrong and leads you to the Devil.  I ask the questtion then about the Bible, is it the truth?  Oh yes I am told, the Bible tells it like it really is.  But I heard a rumour that the first gospel was written about 50 years (its that number again - refer to earlier blog on Stupidity) after the events described, thats a long time - a lot can change, including fashion (longlive denim, not so keen on shoulder pads) and if asked to recount something that happened 50 years ago, would you really remember all the details or do you embellish it? I mean I can't remember all the conversations we had on that day and that was only about 18 years ago so 50 years on I think you may struggle.  I digress further, he says that that is possible but that the stories all happened and they were recorded after being passed down through the generations - anyone played Chinese Whispers, I'll leave that point there for now, ponder on that over a cuppa tea!  So we go back to Genesis after establishing the Bible is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  So where are the dinosaurs, the animals are there one day and then a day later humans are there - no dinosaurs and science can prove they were here - we have their bones and can carbon date them. Well the dates are wrong, but the Turin Shroud dates are correct?  Is that the image of Christ?  Well thats not for us to debate in Bible class, not relevant.  But I think it is relevant, you can't say one is right and one is wrong - same test, different object but one's not a religious artifact.  Next question please.  Ok, so the Bible is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? We have already established that - Ok, so the earth was made in 7 days, but dinosaurs were here millions of years before humans, so does that mean that the calendar we follow is wrong?  I get blank looks - well, we follow a calendar of 7 days in a week, set by the Gregorians (I'm sure it was them, feel free to correct if wrong) as it fitted in with the religious beliefs at the time, religion works to 7 days in a week, must be true, its in the Bible which is the truth, the while truth and nothing but the truth.  Ok I think I am with you so far, he says looking fraught, where are we going with this?  Well I say, in that case, does that mean its really gonna be Sunday for a long time?  Puzzled looks.  So I try to explain, God created Man on the 6th day correct?  Yes.  And then he has a day of rest and they go off into the Garden of Creation and do whatever with the apples.  Yes.  So, if we look at the time lapse between each event, world being created, sun being created, animals being created, humans being created etc, which the Bible says is in days, then a day is actually a lot longer than 24 hours and more like hundreds of thousands, if not millions of years, in which case we will still be in Sunday for another couple of hundred thousand years.  No, you are wrong the day system is fine.  But that means my cats should have been created yesterday but I have had them for years.  Confused I am!  Well its not a literal day that is spoken about in the bible.  Ok, but you said the bibe was the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth but now I am taking it too literally and its not an actual day - which is it then - have you been lying to me? In which case why should I believe you now.  Priest goes funny colour, class finishes and I am led out of Church, nobody really very chatty and I'm not invited back.  Hmmm!

So there you have my thoughts on religion from my regression, it makes me chuckle. 
Come on another journey soon x

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